Hi all...

ok, so I haven't been able to log into here for a while. At first I just didn't want to. Then one day it just wouldn't let me. maybe it was for the best. I would have probably only said something that I would have regretted. I have deleted my myspace account. I was sad to delete it because I blogged on it for almost a year and now those blogs are gone. I could have printed them out and saved them but I just wanted to delete the whole thing. Christmas sucks this year. I guess I'm going to start a new blog for the new chapter of my life.

nothing more to say

i have nothing more to say and i think i am going to delete my blog. i am probably going to delete my myspace acct. too. not been a good day and i have nothing more to share.

under construction

out of commission for a while.

Fourth of July

4th of July 2009

okay so here finally are the pics from the 4th. Click on the Murray pic and it will take you to my picasa album. You don't need to sign up for anything. The last few posts that had only one pic is a link to the picasa album for those pics. Under the pic is the title of the album. It's helping me keep space on my blog here.
The kids had a great time on the fourth. We drove out to Daddy's firework stand he was working in Eureka to get fireworks to go home and set off. Uncle Billy stayed home to help me. Thank goodness he did too because it was not easy to do by myself. I let them do poppers and those little plastic bottle that pop open throw streamer and make a loud pop. Then when we started sparklers, it was getting to be to much to keep everyone from getting to close to each other and the other problem we had was that they now make sparklers on wooden sticks instead of the metal so as the stick was burning, the ends were falling off and I didn't want the pieces to blow onto the kids or fall onto their legs so it was a little nerve racking. I was glad when it was all over and no one got hurt but Uncle billy and that is because he was doing unsafe things like kicking hot tanks off of the stone so he could put a new one down without any shoes on. SMART. After he burnt a few toes, he went in and put on shoes. :) The humidity was so yucky plus I was constantly chasing the kids back into the driveway. A good time was had by all though. Daddy's not working on the 4th next year.

random pics of the kids

I had to delete this original post and re-post it. I wanted to add the link from picasa and it messed up the whole foramt of my blog. Now that I have everything back into the right place I wanted to re-post it.

random pics of the kids

trying something new

I am trying to figure out how to add pics without taking away to much of my space. Bare with me.

keiffer creek 09

keiffer creek 09

new pool pics

new pool 6-09

I have a ton of new pics to add and some ones of bubba that are just too cute. I am trying to figure some thing out. Maybe flickr. I have been using picasa but it's almost full too and theirs not that much on there yet either.

Josie's birthday

Josie's 9th birthday

My Josie girl turned 9 last week. I hate that they years are going by so fast. She was 4 and a half when the twins were born and Abi was 7. They are both getting so big. SHe still sucks her thumb though. :) She will be getting her bigger birthday in a few weeks. She has decided on a Luau. This is where she will invite her friends and family. We still have a lot of planning to do for it. We had to put it off because of father's day, forth of july and then deal with daddy's schedule too. It's not too far off though.

camera broke

I am very bummed out to say that while I was outside with the kids the other day, taking pictures of them and Daddy as he was setting up the new pool in the yard, I dropped the camera. David has a rechargeble he is going to let me use that he uses for fire scenes. It is going to be a while before I can replace the broken one. Anyway, I do have the pics that I took right before i dropped the camera. I will post them tomorrow. This is a bummer.

new link

So the new link worked great for me. I hope it works well for everyone else. :) Here's another one.

Josie bridging

Josie's bridging to Girlscouts 6-09

Josie bridged this week from Brownie to girlscout. Here she is still sporting her brownie vest. but thankfully they have decided to go to the sash because I still have Abi's sash from when she bridged. I am at 70% of used space already for this blog. Not sure what will happen once I have reached 100%. I guess I will have to start a new blog then. If that ever happens I will definitely make a post here to let you all know of the changes but for now no changes. :) I will bwe posting these links to my picasa web album for as long as it works. Then I might end up having to use flickr.

vaction happyness!!!!!!!!!!!!

words to live by...

Get in the Word, take hold of the promise to bring growth and change in our lives. Rick Shelton

Dependence must be on God, and not on us. God gives us the authority to control our body, mind, and tongue, but only so He can have free course to work in our lives. Rick Shelton

If we could see the way things were going to turn out in the end, we would not struggle so much with what we're going through. Yet, why does God not allow us to see all the ultimate good that is going to come out of things that we are going through presently? It is because God is requireing us to walk by faith. We are creatures of faith, and faith pleases God. Rick Shelton

God is not going to let you down. He is carrying you through to the end. Rick Shelton

We ask: Who am I ? Why am I here? Where am I going?All of these hinge on who am I in Christ. My life becomes effective by acknowledging who Christ is in me! Rick Shelton

Whatever it is that you're supposed to do in life - whatever challenges you are facing, whatever you've been called to handle today- you are enough and you have enough. God will use whatever you've already got. Don't ever say I can't, or I'm not going to make it. Those thoughts are contradicting to the very fact that God is the One who has given you purpose and plans for your life and, placed you where you are! Rick Shelton
Wow, i really needed this one. I am enough. That's a hard one to keep saying to yourself.

God has given you everything you need. Confess His word and not your doubts, not your unbelief. Say, 'Yes, I can because God has made me. And God is the One who has put me here!' You see, God is a providential God. This means He goes ahead of you and provides ahead of time what you're going to need when you get there, because He's the One who has designed for you to go there. Rick Shelton


I am really struggling right now and needed to here these words. Sometimes I wonder if the choices we make for our family are self motivated or God's plan for us. I can only just keep praying that the decissions we make are the right ones. I also know that if they were what God wanted me to do, they wouldn't stress me out so much. I need to have more trust and faith in my decisions and in God and his plan for us.

can't sleep

I should have taken that Melatonin at 8pm instead of waiting until I was laying in bed and couldn't fall asleep. Chloe must be suffering from it too because she is sitting here whimpering at me for what ever reason I don't know. Bubba is sawin logs in the bed with his daddy and daddy is doing the same. David falls a sleep before his head even hits the pillow. I started taking meds again so i don't sleep as well. The Melatonins help if you take them before you actually need them. Anyway, this is going to be a busy week and everything is making me crazy. Not the kids actually, for the first time. Bubba has had 2 really good nights and by the way tonight has started off, i think he is doing better. It's this damn house stuff and moving and whether or not to move to a different school dist. It all is just to much to burden and it is making me crazy. I was doing laundry tonight and I can't see what I am even putting in the wash through my teary face. I just cry at everything. Which is why i started on thye meds again. Then my wonderfull father says on the phone the other night, "if you had it to do all over again, would you have still had five kids?" Oh, no Dad, your right. I should have only stopped at two. Which ones should I do without? WTF. What kind of a question is that!!!!! that's like my mom saying, abi would have been a great only child. I hate these kind of comments. then there's billy making me crazy over the kids in the yard screwing up his freakin garden. if it's not the damn dog's its the kids. Diggin wholes in the yard or killin the grass. Please GOD!!!!! make him stop. I only want to move to get the hell away from him!!!!! And moving away from the rest of them probably wouldn't be so bad either. I still have that house in Millstadt that is for sale and it is just far enough. it's just not fair that i have to make a house payment because billy is making my life a living hell. I can't let my kids play in their own yard because of Uncle billy and what he might say or do if one of them screws something up. So i guess everyone is supposed to stay loked up in the house or if we want to play outside, we need to go to the park so we dont' kill his grass. And he keeps reminding me of how much he spent on fertalizer a few weeks ago. Might i remind him how much the home owners insurance is every month or the trash bill is? No I don't because I just don't do that. I don't throw in his face that I pay all of the damn house bills that he should be paying half of with me but I don't ask him for a freakn penny. He has payed me a few times in the last 9 months but it has never been consistant or after he gives me the check, he will call and say, don't cash that yet. Or better yet, it bounces and then he blames it on me because I took it to the bank to fast or not fast enough. He is killing me. I am ready to walk away from this house and never look back. It's not right for David though. This is HIS dad's house, not mine. His dad has been gone now 9 months this May. Ten months on the 15th of June. I always thought things would lighten up around here after Dad passed. He was always so hard on me too. I am trying to let go but it is just so hard when you have to deal with it on a daily basis. It is there reminding me everytime i let the dogs or the kids into the yard. This house isn't only Billy's. Dad left this house to David too. We need to just fix up this side and rent it out and MOVE. David is scared and so am I but it is so passed time. I just pray for peace and patience. More patience God. And an answere. What is the right thing? The house in oakville? The house in Millstadt? or just keep staying here? Well, off to try to get some sleep. I have kids in the morning that expect entertainment. Any my two new summer jobs. :) Smile on my face and song in my heart. The days still go on, even if you are not ready for them yet. Hope bubba will let me snuggle him. I need a snuggle right now.

Camp Cedarledge 5-09

These are the only pics that I have that don't have other peep's kids in them. I am going to do some cropping later but I don't have enough time this morning. The one with Ab on her bike in jeans is because we had just rode our bikes back from horse back riding. They had to wear jeans for that. Abi is great at the archery because she had already taken it at school so she taught me a few things. I hadn't doen archery since my senior yearof high school. She's an old pro. I can't wait to do it all again. Not sure all of the girls would say the same thing though. :)

school picnic

These are Lindbergh Spirit Fest Pics. David came back that day from DC. Went home from the airport, changed clothes and meet us at spirit fest. What a Dad! Mom Deb and Sam went too. We all had a great time. We spent the whole day there. We took a break to go home and rest for a bit and then went back in the evening. It was an awsome day.

summer is almost here

Well, I can't believe summer is almost here. Three more days before school is out. I am ready to go into my summer hiding. 4 days a week at the pool, trips to the zoo and the botanical gardens. Swimmin at granny's house :) Last year we bought a pool for the yard. This year we are getting a pool pass again. I think I am going to be taking a leave of absence from house hunting. I am hating it anyway. I doen't really want to leave my school anyway. Char and Cara get to go for free next year to Lindbergh's ECE program and I can't find that anywhere else. The laundry is overtaking my house again since I got out the summer stuff from the attic again. I have to figure out how to make my yard safe for the kids and the dogs without Uncle Billy stressin me out. He has this shed in the yard that the kids can get into that has so many dangerous things in it. It has no door to keep the kids out so bubba is always getting in there and getting shovels and walking around the yard with this stuff. Not very safe. He won't put any of it in the garage either. Abi and I went to our very first ever girlscout sleepover campout. I can't post any pics of it yet because I don't want to post pics of other people's kids so I have some cropping ot do.

Opinions are like...

Asses, everybody has one and your stinks!!! Not you of course. I like you. :)

Look at this picture. Are we a motley crew or what. This is my sister and two brothers. Not in any particular order. My sis came home for a week last week. I only got to spend a little bit with her. I wish we cold have spent more time together. I need to take the kids to Texas to see her. Wouldn't that be nice for her. :) Me and my 5 kids just coming in for a visit. She doesn't have any kids. :) Well, trying to get excited about the house without getting to excited. Still waiting to here from the bank if they are going to accept our offer. I am glad that none of the kids are going to have to leave their schools. I need to get up off my but and do something. I look like a sore thumb in this pic. Oh what the folks in this pic have gone through in the years. It is so great to see us all together. Wish Jessi would move back to Saint Louis. They have people here who like to do yoga too. I think I have been on a roll of feeling like a bummer. Too many excuses to little time. I will start something tomorrow, there is to much to do, can't today, try again tomorrow, to tired, baby sleeping, gotta make dinner, gotta take the kids to school. If you wait around for the right time, it will just never happen. I gotta just frikin do it. Oh wait here's a good one... When I move I will have more time. HA!! Yah right. Going to just pray for peace and patience. I need lots of that. Lord knows. :) going to bed. need rest so i can find more excuses.

Thank You...

Just want to thank God for what he sent our way today. God is good to me. Just let me please feel more at peace about the whole thing. I am a worry wort and I just can't help that. Can't really pray to help me be less worrysome. (sp?) I am a Mom, I have to worry. Otherwise, what kind of Mom would I be? Lets just hope that this is His will. :) And not just my own.

crappy day

Well, I had a pretty crappy day today. David left for what is to be the start of a very long month of Memorial Services for fallen officers. National Law Enforcement Officer's Memorail Week will begin in a few weeks also. They have a pretty big deal in Washington DC and David goes to that. He has gone now every year for the last 5 or 6 years. I haven't gotten to go yet becasue I have always been busy with the kids. On to other things... I went to Barnhart and looked at a very nice house today. This made me finally decide that I am not going to move out of my school district. We really do like our schools, the twins are going to get to go to Lindbergh Early Childhood Education (ECE) preschool program next year for free so that is just to good to pass up. Where else am I going to get that? Probably no where. We have been in this school district for 7 years now and what happens if we move and i don't like the kids new schools? Then we are just screwed. We would not be able to move again. I have decided to slow down on the house hunting for a while too and let my agent do her hunting. It has consumed my week and last weekend. I am going to really try to take a week off. I haven't found anything I really want to jump up and down for anyway. I am comfortable in my decision in not moving out of our schools though. Before I wanted to move far, far, far away. Now, I will just be glad to find something that meets our requirements. Okay, now on for BIGGER news... Abi is going to be in her first Jazz concert. She will be playing both the trumpet and the french horn in this concert. I am so enormously proud of her. She has not had an easy year but no one ever said middle school was easy. She has learned so many different languages this year and is interested in being and having a foreign exchange student. I told her that my sister was a foreign exchange student to Stuttgart Germany and loved it. I think German might be Abi's favorite too. She does pretty good with speaking it. She is such an awesome kid. Now if I can just get her to understand that she does not need a cell phone or a FB page i will be doing better. I am looking forward to our camp out, sleepover that we are going to do together this summer. Maybe if we get to move before school starts, she could do a sleepover, camp out in our new back yard. Supposing that we actually find a house with a yard. *please GOD*... Well, it's late and I can't think anymore so I am going go go to bed. Tomorrow is goiung to be a better day. I just know it.

not a good night tonight

okay, so i am having a crappy night. The baby cried for a real long time tonight. David went in and rocked him to sleep for me. Usually I nurse him to sleep then he rolls over to sleep on his crib that is side-car'ed to my bed. Well, I have been trying to get him to cut down and there is just no getting him to slow down or cut down. So i thought that i might try to help him along with that. I put up the pack n' play tonight for him to sleep in thinking he and i might both be able to get better sleep this way. Well, after Daddy rocked him to sleep, he layed him down into the pack n' play where he is still sleeping. It was not really an easy thing for Daddy. I need lots of prayers to figure out if i am really doing the right thing here or not. cause so far, it doesn't feel like the right thing. Here's from the beginning of why i have even started this right now anyway. Abi has been invited to an overnight sleep-away camp with the girlscout troop. Our leader asked me to go as a chaperon. She is having trouble finding another Mom to go. If she doesn't, the girls won't get to go. They are looking at 2 nights and 3 days at Camp fiddlecreek. I really want Abi to get to go. You have to be a registered volunteer to get to go. otherwise i would maybe just ask her grandma to go. Although, i really think it is an important thing that Abi and i have this bonding time together. She is 12 and she needs these overnight things with me. Maybe next year she won't be interested because I didn't show enough interest and then i will have missed the whole oppertunity. My Abi is growing up and i need to be there for more things for her. I am having a real difficult time making it through this post. I am so torn and i just don't know what to do. No, the baby cannot go on the camp-out with us. It is just for the GS troop. That would not be fair to Abi for her to never get any time with her mother that didn't always include one of the other kids. This trip is supposed to be just about Abi. When Josie is older her troop will have these same sleep overs and I will probably be able to go because I won't have a toddler that is nursing 3 to 4 times throught the middle of the night. Yes, i know it is just a comfort thing for him it is not a nutritional thing even though it is still very nutritional and beneficial for him. He doesn't really need to do it as much as "he" likes to. I didn't want to push him to quit now and i don't know for how long he or i was going to keep up with it. Right now i have been nursing a child for the last 4 and ahalf years. I know there are people out there that do it for tons longer and some that choose to never do it at all. But for me, it has just been a thing that i will do for as long as the baby that is nursing and I want to do it for. No matter what my family has to add. Well, i feel like i do want it to be over, then the other part of me says, i will figure out something for the camp-out, then if he will still ahve me when i come back, he can go right back on like we never missed a beat. This might be weird for some of you reading this. I know some of my family already thinks it is un-natural. But what feals un-natural for me is the baby i let scream for me tonight while i sat in the living room listening to it. This is just killing me inside and my right side is already engorged from him not nursing to sleep tonight. I think half of me would like to say that i will make plans to take Abi and some of her girl friends on my own campout where i can bring the baby and they can all still have tons of fun. Because i just don't think i can go through another night like tonight. It is now 12:10am and i wish he would wake up so i could snuggle him. i need to get rid of this guilt so i can sleep.

girlscout feild trip

So Saturday we went to Baked Goods over off of Tesson Ferry. Each of the girls picked out a 10 dollar item that they got to paint with a special paint for firing ceramics. Then in about 10 days they will go back to pick up their item. Most of the girls worked on Mother's day gifts. Abi made me a plate, and Josie made a dragon and a small letter J that the place will glue onto her dragon after it has been fired. The pic of Bubba was after we came home and they all wanted a cupcake. He has a cream mustache. We set out bags before we went to Baked Goods on peoples front doors where we will go back next weekend to retreive.

Gardening in our very small garden

So Friday we were supposed to get to go to the park but Bubba decided to fall asleep right before we were getting ready so instead we had to stay home. Since it was such a beautiful day, we went outside and worked to clean out all fo the crud in our garden. we haven't had any vegitables in this garden since I was pregnant with Char and Cara so you can imagine what has happened to this area. It took a while but with Uncle Billy's help we cleaned out all of the leaves. Then we cleaned out some crummy flower pots we had on the front porch. After bubba woke up we went to Home Depot and bought some beautiful Gerber Daisy's, Geraniums, and a few others that were to hard to even pronounce at the time or even remember now but they all look very beautiful on the front porch. I still have one hens and chickens pot to fill. I will work on that later this next week. I don't have any pics of the front porch yet. It was enough just to get the job done with the three little rugrats. I had to do some of it with bubba on my back in the Ergo. He fell on the concrete and skinned up his knee and was not having much fun after that. Then we took a short stroll in the red wagon and he was better. We didn't get any vegi's yet because I don't want to spend the money on them and then have snow next week. It's Saint Louis, you know it could happen. Anyway, we found that we have grubs in the vegi garden area. So we have to get rid of them first. Right now it is just a really good digging in the dirt area. Oh, I forgot to mention about Char and Cara's new friend Wormy they found in the garden that day. He was just a regular earth worm but they loved to watch him wiggle in their spades.