not a good night tonight

okay, so i am having a crappy night. The baby cried for a real long time tonight. David went in and rocked him to sleep for me. Usually I nurse him to sleep then he rolls over to sleep on his crib that is side-car'ed to my bed. Well, I have been trying to get him to cut down and there is just no getting him to slow down or cut down. So i thought that i might try to help him along with that. I put up the pack n' play tonight for him to sleep in thinking he and i might both be able to get better sleep this way. Well, after Daddy rocked him to sleep, he layed him down into the pack n' play where he is still sleeping. It was not really an easy thing for Daddy. I need lots of prayers to figure out if i am really doing the right thing here or not. cause so far, it doesn't feel like the right thing. Here's from the beginning of why i have even started this right now anyway. Abi has been invited to an overnight sleep-away camp with the girlscout troop. Our leader asked me to go as a chaperon. She is having trouble finding another Mom to go. If she doesn't, the girls won't get to go. They are looking at 2 nights and 3 days at Camp fiddlecreek. I really want Abi to get to go. You have to be a registered volunteer to get to go. otherwise i would maybe just ask her grandma to go. Although, i really think it is an important thing that Abi and i have this bonding time together. She is 12 and she needs these overnight things with me. Maybe next year she won't be interested because I didn't show enough interest and then i will have missed the whole oppertunity. My Abi is growing up and i need to be there for more things for her. I am having a real difficult time making it through this post. I am so torn and i just don't know what to do. No, the baby cannot go on the camp-out with us. It is just for the GS troop. That would not be fair to Abi for her to never get any time with her mother that didn't always include one of the other kids. This trip is supposed to be just about Abi. When Josie is older her troop will have these same sleep overs and I will probably be able to go because I won't have a toddler that is nursing 3 to 4 times throught the middle of the night. Yes, i know it is just a comfort thing for him it is not a nutritional thing even though it is still very nutritional and beneficial for him. He doesn't really need to do it as much as "he" likes to. I didn't want to push him to quit now and i don't know for how long he or i was going to keep up with it. Right now i have been nursing a child for the last 4 and ahalf years. I know there are people out there that do it for tons longer and some that choose to never do it at all. But for me, it has just been a thing that i will do for as long as the baby that is nursing and I want to do it for. No matter what my family has to add. Well, i feel like i do want it to be over, then the other part of me says, i will figure out something for the camp-out, then if he will still ahve me when i come back, he can go right back on like we never missed a beat. This might be weird for some of you reading this. I know some of my family already thinks it is un-natural. But what feals un-natural for me is the baby i let scream for me tonight while i sat in the living room listening to it. This is just killing me inside and my right side is already engorged from him not nursing to sleep tonight. I think half of me would like to say that i will make plans to take Abi and some of her girl friends on my own campout where i can bring the baby and they can all still have tons of fun. Because i just don't think i can go through another night like tonight. It is now 12:10am and i wish he would wake up so i could snuggle him. i need to get rid of this guilt so i can sleep.